Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
