My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
