YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
