Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
