My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
