reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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