he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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