he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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