So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
