I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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