You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
