I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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