how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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