atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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