who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
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Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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