I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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