You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
