Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
