Only a mothe r could love this liver
i will never coherently bang her
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
