I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
