I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
