Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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