I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
