checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
