dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
