Need sex. Gaining weight.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
