My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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