don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
