Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
