Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
