Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
