Four minutes until I can fart!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
