he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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