when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
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oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?