I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night