Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night