i think my tv is drunk
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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