GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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