I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I smell like Dick and happiness
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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