did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
