Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I want her autograph on my taint
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
