ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
