Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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