Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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