Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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