What a fucking waste of an outfit
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
