i don't like sucking hair
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
