It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
