make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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