My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
A bitchslap is in order.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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