even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
