well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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