Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
