He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
