My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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