So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
