she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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