Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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