Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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