I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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